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This year, I was lucky enough to be selected to be part of the Boston International Comedy and Movie Festival. The festival is based around a week-long competition and several gala events, as well as showcases spread throughout the week. Each comic starts in a preliminary round with eleven other comics, from each of the eight prelims, two comics are selected to move on to two semi-final rounds. Four comics from each each semi-final advance to the finals, which are held in a massive theater near The Emerson University campus. The finalists are fighting for $10,000 in cash prizes. Sounds like a busy week of intense, comedic competition, doesn't it? Well, it's not very busy at all if you don't make it past your preliminary round. And when your preliminary round is on Monday, it gives you the whole rest of the week to stain your itchy hotel pillow with tears. I could've sat around and sulked, but that's not me. There was lots of great comics to hang with and lots of industry people to meet. So that's what I did. I hung out. I'm really good at hanging out.

If you ever want to feel unattractive and undereducated, spend a few days in Boston. Boston is definitely near the deep end of the geographic gene pool. Even the fat people are beautiful. I saw quite a few fat Bostonians, because I spent lots of time at Dunkin' Donuts. I try to avoid that kind of stuff because I gain weight like I'm expecting, but my choices were limited. Dunkin' Donuts has a custard-filled, chocolate-covered choke-hold on the fast food economy in this town, and it's not pretty. Even the homeless people shake Dunkin' Donuts cups when they ask you for change, and I'm sure if they were using the money for food, they'd buy donuts. They wouldn't have much of a choice.

I got in on Sunday night. My prelim round was on Monday and I figured I'd get there a day early so I wasn't all fried from the travel. My friend and fellow comic Ryan Hamilton got reservations for a place called the "Milner", a discount hotel that was right in the theater district. I got to the hotel and walked into the lobby to check in. My first impression of the place wasn't too bad. It just looked like an old building that had been renovated over and over. When I walked into my room I caught a thick whiff of cheap air freshener that was covering something worse. I definitely smelled something fowl underneath the generic flower stink. Scents trigger memories and this scent made me remember that I make almost no money in comedy, and that's why I'm staying here.

This was definitely one of the more creepy hotel rooms I've stayed at. It was haunted or something, I'm convinced. Flickering lights and all that. The hotel was definitely really old, and it could've done well for itself if it went with the classic "victorian" look, but it seems at one point, it decided to step into the 1980's. Had I been visiting Boston for an Amway convention in 1985, I'm sure I would've been delighted. However, it's 2006 and the flower print bed spread and sea foam colored walls were making my eyes twitch. The room was really small. It was the size of my apartment, but it held two beds and a bathroom sink. The bathroom sink and vanity mirror was actually outside the bathroom. It was right next to Ryan's bed. That's only convenient if you like to pee in the sink. The windows faced a brick wall and an alley and hallway was really narrow too. When I stood in it, both shoulders touched the walls. Now, I do have awesomely wide, powerful shoulders, but come on.

On Sunday night, I went to the Comedy Connection in Faneuil Hall to watch the first two preliminary rounds. My friend and fellow Cleveland comic, Rob O'Reilly, was in the second prelim of the night. I watched the show to support, but unfortunately Rob didn't advance. Not sure what was going on, but he had as good a set as anyone else in his round, but I guess the judges weren't feeling it. Three comics moved on from his prelim, there was a tie for second, apparently. After the prelim, we ended up at Boston's Improv Asylum where they had just screened some videos for the movie portion of the festival. Rob spent a lot of time in Boston when he went to school there so he knew a good portion of the comics. I got to meet a lot of of locals and I remembered how bad I am with names.

Monday morning I woke up and went running in the Public Garden, next to the Boston Common. I was the only one running through the park and it worried me at first, I thought maybe the Public Garden had some sort of "no jogging" rule. Then I realized that thanks to the lack of sunlight in my room at the Milner, I didn't wake up until one in the afternoon. Which means I didn't start running until one thirty. Nobody in Boston runs at one thirty because they're all getting educated, or working, or eating donuts.

Later that evening, I got dressed and made it over to the Comedy Connection to watch some of the first prelim. Around 8:45 P.M. everyone from my prelim, the second of the night, was called into the green room to check in and draw numbers for the order. I got to meet the other contestants that I had been eyeing up and figuring out on the website the prior week. The only comic I even knew in my prelim was Stuart Huff, and he is a damn funny guy. We drew numbers and I drew first, which if you don't know, is the most hated spot in comedy. I couldn't change it, so I just dealt with it. They mic'd me up for the recording and the MC did his ten minutes of material and announcements and I was brought up. I did well for myself, but they just weren't with my like they could've been. Stuart Huff was second and he got a nice roll going. I think he set the crowd in motion. The rest of the comics had good sets, nobody really standing far above anyone else. Then, Maine native and great comic Juston Mckinney, did a set while the judges tallied votes. Obviously, I didn't advance. Stuart Huff and Bob Gautreau, an impressionist, advanced.

I managed to make my way to the after party that night to drink beer, and eat crab cakes. That made me feel better about not advancing. I had a wierd dream that night. I dreamed that I was at my mom's house and she had baked an assortment of cakes. I cut myself a full slice of each kind of cake and I sat down with a full plate. My sister asked my why I was eating so much of my mom's cake, I said "because it makes me happy." That's right, I have dreams about comfort food. I then woke up at around 1 P.M. again, thanks to the coffin-like conditions at the fabulous Milner.

Tuesday afternoon, I auditioned for the Carnival Cruise Line comedy challenge. They were "cattle call" day auditions, which are always horrible, but somehow I did well. Well enough to move on to the finals later that night. I went out and did the finals at a place called Nick's Comedy Stop. The venue was empty except for literally seven non-comic audience members. It didn't help that the place was freezing cold either. To make things worse, the sound system kept acting up. I actually didn't go first this time, I was a comfortable fifth. I did my set, which was a little week, but fun. I grabbed the mic stand and tried to adjust it, when it didn't work I said outloud "Why would it work?" Which broke the tension and discomfort for a split second and I got a huge laugh. It was enough to get the audience votes to take second place. I won a week of work with the Comedy Zone (a mostly southern chain of small clubs) and a week of work at the Stardome in Birmingham, AL, one of the biggest comedy theaters in the country. Awesome, I wouldn't be leaving this insanely expensive trip empty-handed.

Later that night, I shot over to the Comedy Connection for the second prelim. My roomate, Ryan Hamilton, and one of my other favorites, Kjell Bjorgen, were competing so I went to support. Both of them ended up moving on. Then it was off to after party yet again. More hanging out, more beer, more crab cakes. I love crab cakes. At this point I was pretty much surviving on Ensure for breakfast and crab cakes for a late dinner.

By Wednesday, we had switched hotels. Ryan had a discounted reservation still on file at the Park Plaza. This place was a little more liveable. The sink was inside the bathroom, where it should always be. My friend and local comic Jason Lawhead got into town for his prelim that night, so I headed over to the Connectioni to watch. Jason's prelim, overall was full of decent comics, with one exception, the Romanian guy who went up before Jason. He did a nice five minute set about nothing, and he did it with a Romanian accent. I've been compiling a list of "ways to kill a crowd" over the past year, and now "put a senile Romanian on stage" has made that list. In fact, it's now number one. There was no way to dig out of something like that, especially in five minutes, so Jason didn't get to advance. No matter, there's always crab cakes.

Thursday morning I woke up and hit the eliptical machine. I did thirty minutes on that machine for one reason and one reason only - so I could eat a gigantic seafood lunch. Ryan, Jason and I planned an attack on Boston's "Legal Seafood" restaurant. It was incredible. I love seafood and living in Ohio, you really can't get anything great. "Shrimpfest" does not count as real seafood.

Thursday night was a big night for the Gala events. Tonight's show was "30 Years of Comedy at Emerson" and it featured Denis Leary, Anthony Clark, Eddie Brill, Bill Burr and Bill Dana. However, I didn't get in free to this event which means I wasn't going. Ryan, Kjell and I decided to head over to Cambridge to a black box theatre called "Improv" Boston to watch the weekly Walsh Brothers show. This was a show that mixed improv and standup. Sounds like a recipe for a shitty show, but it wasn't. The Walsh Brothers are brilliant. They know how to commit. In the beginning of the show, they brought in a homeless drunk and put him on stage as part of the sketch. Then they left him there for the remainder of the show, and put a mic on him. Every ridiculous thing they did worked. The standups were great as well. And get this, they had a full audience of bright-eyed laughers, on a Wednesday night! What?! How'd they do that? Overall, a brilliant show. Watch out for the Walsh brothers.

On our way to the after party, we saw Jason walking down the street with Bill Burr. He had just finished the Emerson show and was headed back to his hotel for the night, but I got to meet one of my more recent favorite comics. Jason, Kjell, Ryan and I walked to the place where the after party was being held and when we got there, we saw Lewis Black and Anthony Clark standing outside. I don't get star-struck, but I do get star-wow'd. They both seemed pretty down to earth. Everyone stuck around until they kicked us out of the venue.

Thursday and Friday nights were the semi-finals, rather uneventful. On Thursday night my friend Stewart Huff moved on to the finals and Friday night my friend and hotel-mate Ryan Hamilton advanced. At some point on Friday, I hit up this pizza place with my friend Stewart Huff and Russell Bell, not important, but necessary to describe this picture.

Saturday night was the night of the finals. They were held in the Cutler Majestic Theater at Emerson. An awesome theater. The finals were being taped for a DVD, no expense was spared. They even gave the comics free tickets so we could watch the show. The theater was almost completely packed and everyone was pretty amped for a good show. Ryan drew first the night before, so he had to open. Not a big deal for this show, especially since Jim McCue, the creator of the festival, was hosting. He did a good job getting everyone warmed up for the show. Everyone had great sets. Hard not to in these conditions. A young local, Dan Boulger, ended up taking the whole thing and he deserved it. He had a great set. A life time achievement award was presented to Norm Crosby and Jonathan Winters. Norm even did a set. Then a comic of the year award was given to Boston native Steven Wright, who said in his acceptance speech "They gave me comic of the year, but they didn't say which year. I choose 1917." That show was followed by "Lewis Black and friends" featuring Lewis black, Jackie Flynn, and Nick Dipaolo.

Guess what we did afterwards? If you said crab cakes and beer, you'd be right. The last night was a lot of fun. Lots of hanging out and meeting people who weren't able to come out earlier in the week. To top it all off, I saw a big, bloody street brawl outside the bar that night! In heat of the moment, somone dropped a half-eaten piece of pizza on the sidewalk. How symbolic of the week's events. It's like, you get so caught up in competition, you neglect the really important things, like pizza.