Operation Robot Acclamation
Mother's day is fast approaching. I know you're thinking "What could I get mom that might make her life a little easier? I know, I'll get her one of those Roomba robotic vaccuum cleaners! Good idea!"
No, bad idea. Roombas are not the cure-all for a dirty house. Quite the opposite, actually. Roombas are part of a government program that I am calling "Operation Robot Acclamation."
Please, allow me to explain. You, the American public, view a television advertisement for a product called the "Roomba." The advertisement headline reads "I love Robots". It also features claims from "real customers" stating how the Roomba has made their lives easier and more productive. Here is a couple of testimonials from enlightened Roomba owners.
Jennifer states: "It eagerly goes out to search and destroy dirt."
David claims: "Just put the Roomba on the floor, leave and come back and its all clean."
Nick says: "The time is now for robots."
What an effective advertisement. All these people love there robots, so they must be OK right? Wrong! The Roomba is phase one of the Operation Robot Acclamation, or ORA for short.
Here's how it works people. You see the Roomba, you're OK with the Roomba, you buy the Roomba. Now you've got the Roomba in your house and it's cleaning your floors. You like the convenience. You like the ease-of-use. Well let me remind you, the Roomba is not a "Mommy's little Helper", it's a robot. A robot, in your house, near you children, playing a part in your everyday life. And you're OK with it.
This is where it all begins. You've been using the Roomba for a while and now you're OK with having a robot in your house. That's fine, it's a big help. But where does it go from there. I know first hand how the government operates. Need I remind you, I was in the United States Coast Guard for FOUR years. I have seen what goes on within the hierarchy of a federal agencie's office and it's not pretty.
Your government wants you to be OK with robots, and they're breaking you in slowly with a friendly little product called the roomba. The Roomba cleans up your house while you're not around! Great! But what else does it do when you've got your back turned? I've got a few things I'd like to say to our "satisfied" customers. . .
Jennifer: "It eagerly goes out to search and destroy dirt."
Does it also search and destroy the members of what it suspects might be a terrorist sleeper cell? Jennifer?! Sleep with one eye open, and don't say the words "Holy War" out loud, or that helpful little roomba might take out your entire gated community.
David: "Just put the Roomba on the floor, leave and come back and its all clean."
"Sometimes I leave the Roomba to watch the kids while I'm playing racquetball. My names David and I'm a clueless follower!" David, please. Your floor is all clean, and so is the boxes you keep your receipts in. Thanks to Roomba, Uncle Sam now knows how much you spend on fertilizer every year.
Nick: "The time is now for robots."
A paid spokesperson perhaps?! Wow, unreal. A blatant plug for robot acclamation. I wonder if Nick's ever worked for the government. Because I have, I was in the United States Coast Guard for FOUR years. Their motives are not pure. Nick is the epitome of the "model citizen". He is everything your government wants you to be. A robot-loving, network watching lemming. Why can't everyone be more like Nick!"
Don't say I didn't warn you America. First comes Roomba, last comes mechanical death.